I feel like my life is totally fucked. I cannot help but view myself as a totally self-indulgent asshole for wanting to cry, and the pain is something I am ashamed of and it causes me more fear. My fear is like an escalator that just doesn't stop. My self-pity is just a barrier that I use to sabotage my own life. Then I get angry and I blame 'God.'
I am all alone. My fearful, lonely life can be likened to feeling as if I am entrapped inside a cold, damp tomb, the condensation of my grave makes my breath like ice.
I am too afraid to talk to anybody, and the pitiful types of friendships/relationships that I attract can be likened to locking myself inside a prison cell with the most unavailable of personalities, and shutting out the people who can see the divine in me, and who love me.
I am emotionally unavailable to myself. God has damned me to a life of cold, foreign alienation whereby the most availability, warmth and love that I get from another human being is an empty glance. A ghostly, and empty stare. Thats all I get.
I am afraid of breathing. It hurts.I am seriously thinking of having sex with people just for the sake of lying to them and getting my own selfish rocks off. This goes against what I know to be right. I don't feel God is delivering me from this either.
God never delivers me. He threw me in the deep end and watched me thrash about helplessly in the water like the drowning victim that I am.
My mum is an incredibly testing and apathetic woman, and I am surrounded by people like her who surround me and bark at me like animals, with utter disrespect for my emotional childhood wounds.
I attract all these conditions because that is what is going on inside my own mind. It's what I know as 'home.'
I am too afraid and too weak to stand up for myself, because I am too mesmerized by the constant noise and clamor of this shitty westernized and fast poisoning society that I live in.
I am so tired I can't lift a finger to do anything. And I have been implanted with beliefs that I am just 'bad.' Drug use seems like it could be the only answer out of this and I have been clean of heavy substance abuse for years now, which makes me afraid to touch any shit ever again.
I am afraid to move.
I can't move.
I feel disorientated.
I feel as if I am immobilized on the game board of life, as if i am held under the force of a freeze-ray gun.
All I can do is pivot around in a circle with one leg firmly planted in the nucleus of my dysfunctional zome of comfort, whilst I shed tears about my fear of not being able to live fully enough to enjoy anything anymore.
I put my soul under a bed in a far away town and It's wounded, neglected figure is a shadow that walks around trying to find me, haunting me outside my window at night, when I turn the lights off to attempt to sleep. My mum sent it out into the cold lonely night all those years ago, where to this day it shivers and cries out for me. And there is nothing I feel I can do to go back to my childhood and save that part of me. It was lost and sent away.
It seems there is nothing powerful enough to help me to to be available to myself, and to love myself, as I probably did in another lifetime long ago. I wish I could go back, but it is too much work. I want to eat, sleep, and chill and watch videos. The end times are cloaked in a secret veil of a mythical type of apathy.
The coldness of this planet, of my own town, feels like a salty, freezing blade being driven into a fresh wound.
Thats how I feel as soon as I step outside the front door or my little one room bungalow.
The God of 'Christianity' today is a real loser. I hate him. It's times like this I just wish he'd hurry up and throw us all in the fucking Fire.
